Oh Hi...

 Hey. It's been a while. You look good. I like what you've done with your hair. Oh, me? No, no I'm not here to say that I weigh 115 lbs and look and feel better than I have in ever. Nah. I'm 147 lbs right now. Yeah, I know. Fuck. I think I can vaguely remember my self setting up for reaching my ugw by the end of the summer. Lol no. 

 Oh speaking of ugw, I think that's changed for me. It's more 125-130 lbs now. Well at least to start.

 About a week and a bit ago I weighed in for the first time in *ahem* a long time and saw that I weighed 154 lbs (again). Not surprised? Neither was I. I decided it was time for a diet. Intermittent Fasting anyone? I'm down. I started (and failed a couple times) and have been doing it for the last three days without fail now and I'm now down to 147 lbs. 

 I'm starting off slow. 2 lbs a week hopefully. I kinda like the idea of losing an even 10 kg so I made that my goal when I hit 150 lbs just under a week ago. From 70 kg to 60 kg. I just feel like the kg system is much neater and feels more rewarding. Like it feels better to say "2 kg down, 8 to go," rather than "4 lbs down, 20 to go," y'know?

 Anyway, right now, goal wise, I'm hoping to go at it 2 lbs a week at the least until I reach 130 lbs hopefully by October 13th. After which point I'll slow it down to 1 lb per week until I get to 120 lbs by December 22nd. After that I'll have a good five pound buffer as I gain back up to 125 lbs (ugw) at no more than half a pound a week. I should be back to 125 lbs around March 2nd. From then on its maintenance.

 Hah there's no way it'll be this cut and dry, but I can sure as hell try. And all this I hope to do through mostly IF, so sweet Jesus this could be difficult.

 Well hey at least this will make for a good experiment to see how effective IF is. 

 That's all, folks! Hoping to be 146 by Monday. Wish me luck.

Hunger

 So, yesterday (Sunday), I weighed myself and was 147 lbs! Can I get a what-what? Then I weighed again this morning and was 146. This is the lowest weight I've been since lord knows how long. I'm a little frustrated though because I ate lots of calories in quick succession today (about 1100 in 30 minutes) I'm worried to death that it will make me gain. It was so stupid of me to have done that, but at least it was at 1 in the afternoon. It gives me lots of time between my miniature binge and tomorrow morning's weigh-in. I've decided that, if I gained, I fast tomorrow. If I maintained, 12-4 window. Loss means forgetting about it and moving forward. This is mostly because my GW2 deadline is May 31 and I want to keep on schedule. Assuming that I maintain tomorrow, I have four days to lose two pounds.  I'm praying for a loss, expecting a gain. Ugh. Why did I do that. Well, thankfully I already feel hungry and it's only 9 pm. So, I'm going to sleep hungry, thank god.

 Speaking of hunger, I felt actual hunger for the first time in a long time on Wednesday morning. Now since then, the feeling is something that I don't want to lose. It's almost like an accomplishment whenever I get a hunger pang and it feels like, if I binge, then I'll lose the hunger that I've worked towards and I'll have to start over. So, I think I like feeling hungry. It feels like the fat is melting off whenever I get that feeling. That's pretty fucked up. I need to quit associating hunger with success. 

Giant Update, My Next Weigh-In, and The Latest Diet

 Alright, well it's been a while. Over a week at this point. That's pretty bad, but I'd like to update up until this point and then lay out the plan from here on out.

 So, in my last post (last Wednesday or Thursday I believe?) I weighed in at 148.5 lbs. That was awesome and I was really glad to have been losing. Then, I had a tournament. I don't think I mentioned this in the past, but I do play sports highly competitively. So I left for my tournament on the morning of last Thursday and got back in on Monday night. Over that weekend I consumed copious amounts of food and, when weighing in on Tuesday morning, I clocked in at 153 lbs. No, you didn't read that wrong. I gained 4.5 lbs in 5 days with ease. 

 I felt really horrible, and knew that I had to get my shit together if I wanted to reach GW2 by May 31. Then, for some reason I remembered an episode of Supersize vs Super Skinny where a lady who had been on several fad diets recalled which ones had worked well for her. She talked about a diet where the only requirement was not to eat after 4 in the afternoon. She said the pounds fell off. 

Right, so I'm thinking that this will be great for me because I'm always dealing with bloating and would like to minimize calorie counting, so I did a lot more research. I came across Intermittent Fasting. It was basically what this woman had been doing by not eating after 4. IF is when you fast for certain amounts of time, then eat for whatever amount of time and basically repeat.

 There are several different variations, but the main three are Leangains (or 8 hour diet), Eat Stop Eat (also called 5:2 I believe), and the warrior diet which I am least in favour of. I have been doing Leangains since Tuesday.

 I suppose I'll start with a brief explanation of each Intermittent Fasting method.

 Leangains is when you set yourself with an 8 hour time period that you are allowed to eat within, for the other 16 hours you fast. This method can be done 3 days a week with results, but I believe most people do it daily. The time period I set myself is 8:00 am to 4:00 pm everyday. All other times of the day, I am fasting. Most people set the times later in the day, usually around 12:00 pm to 8:00 pm or 11:00 am to 7:00 pm. This is so that one can still consume dinner at a normal time, especially since it is relatively easy to skip breakfast. I chose to stop eating dramatically earlier in the day for two reasons: 1, to combat bloating and 2, because it's easier for me to skip dinner than to skip breakfast.

 Eat Stop Eat is when you eat as you normally do but choose two days of every week to fast. I guess this one works by lowering your weekly average calories. To me it's a recipe for bingeing. I've tried fasting before for 24 hour periods. The fast would go fine, but I would simply end up overeating the next day to compensate for the lack of food the day before.

 Then, there's the warrior diet. Basically, you eat once a day, at the same time (generally night/dinner time). It's an almost 24 hour fast every single day. Um excuse me no. You are looking at the binge queen right here and this diet is the king. I would absolutely pig out at dinner time if I followed this diet which would lead to a bloated belly and headache every morning. Yeah, no this one's not for me and I'm not sure how successful it is for just about anyone.

 Anyways, it's update time now that I've shared my latest diet and different variations for anyone who is interested. Tonight (Saturday night. 4 days after weighing in at 153 lbs from a weekend of regular eating.) I weighed in at 149 lbs. Yeah. That's a 4 lbs loss in 4 days and this is after a day's worth of food. Also, did I mention that I had competitive beach volleyball practice this afternoon and am currently caked with dirt, getting ready to shower. Yeah. Tuesday morning after peeing and scrubbing myself raw in the shower in the hopes of weighing as little as possible for my weigh-in, I weighed in at 153 lbs. 4 days later after a days worth of food, having eaten my last meal two hours ago and caked with dirt and sweat from a high intensity beach volleyball program, 149 lbs. Ok yeah, Leangains is working for me. Oh, did I mention that I haven't counted a single calorie since Monday? I just ate a lot less. Wtf. I could seriously get used to this.

 Here's to more weightloss.

Second Weigh-In

Alright, so today I had another official weigh-in. I weighed 148.5 lbs. I decided that I'll have a sort of grading system for myself.

So, 4 pounds or more pounds in 1 week is an A+

3.5 lbs = A

3 lbs = A-

2.5 lbs = B+

2 lbs = B

1.5 lbs = C

1 lbs = D

< 1 lbs = FAIL

I guess I just wanted a grading system to keep me on track. This week I got a B+ as I weighed in at 151 lbs last Wednesday. I think I want to stay in the "A" range, so there is more incentive to lose.

I have more to say, but I really want to get this post up today.

Feeling Better and Goal Weight Reached

 Alright, well I'll pick up where I left off yesterday's post. I didn't eat again after that. I worked out for two hours. I still felt horrible. So I purged what little was still early enough in digestion for me to call back up and puke out. I am ashamed of this. I don't want to do it again. It hurt. But I will admit that I felt better afterwards (emotionally) and some of the anxiety from what I had eaten was gone. *Sigh* I will say this now, if you are reading this and want to make yourself sick, don't do it. It doesn't feel good and it will become a pattern. That was not the first and certainly not the last time I have purged. I haven't in a while before yesterday so the relapse is disappointing.

 Anyways, I slept for a while shortly thereafter and, when I woke up this morning I went to the washroom. *TMI warning*  I haven't had a BM in 3 or 4 days and I underwent some serious anxiety trying to get one going this morning. Ah but try as I might, nothing once more. It was particularly painful and fruitless today, however, and I attribute that to the mostly dairy and red meat intake of yesterday. I think I tend to feel more bloated and constipated when I consume dairy as well as meat, so I have decided to work dairy out of my diet for the time being and eat more almonds for a few weeks to see if this will clear up my poor abused bowels. I want to see if dairy is causing my problem, but if I don't see any changes, I will try eliminating red meat as well. 

 So I weighed myself this morning and am down to my first GW of 149 lbs! I'm so glad to be in the 140s as it's been so long since I was at this stage. I'm eager to get down to my LW ever which is 134 lbs. back then I remember finally feeling like my body was taking a nice shape after a LOT of unhealthy starvation and b/p cycle, but my binging came into my life as I made attempts to recover and I ballooned up to 156 lbs with ups and downs inbetween. It's been almost 2 months since I was last 149 so now I'm eager to lose more :)

 7 pounds down, 30 to go. Wish me luck!

I Look Gross

 My stomach is really bloated after drinking just a cup of chocolate milk and now I feel really bad about myself. I don't think I'll eat anymore today. I've had 900 today, so I'm good, but I'm not really sure if I'll be able to bring myself to eat tomorrow. I just feel really fat. And bloated. And I look a hundred pounds heavier than I actually weigh and I'll never look like Kate Moss or see hip bones or get the holy thigh gap because I'm just still so fat. Uugh maybe I'll lower my intake for the next two days? 1000 is too much and I just look so gross and can't deal with how much weight there still is to lose. Ew. 

 I know I said i wouldn't jump into it so fast, but I really can't stand even looking at myself right now.

Goal Weights

 So what I've created here is a list of all my goal weights and, in brackets, the reasons why each one is a goal weight. I like that they are, at most, 5 pounds apart because it will be small steps and rewards until I reach my goal rather than one long drawn out struggle of 37 pounds. The expectations are based on a two pound per week loss.

1: 149 (in the 140s) expected to reach on May 14

2: 144 (bmi in the 21s) expected May 31

3: 142 (weigh less than my friend that is my height) expected June 7

4: 139 (in the 130s) expected June 18

5: 137 (bmi in the 20s) expected June 25

6: 133 (lower than my lw) expected July 9

7: 131 (bmi in the 19s) expected July 16

8: 129 (in the 120s) expected July 23

9: 124 (bmi in the 18s) expected august 9

10: 119 (true gw!) expected august 27

Weighed Again

 It seems I can't keep away from the scale. I really want to keep my weigh-ins on just Wednesdays, but I can't go more than two days before the anxiety of not weighing myself sets in. Anyway, despite my period, I've lost another pound and am currently 150 lbs. Considering all the bloating and general gross weight-y feeling, I am doing quite well and am well on my way to my goal of 149 or less come Wednesday.
 I feel so happy to be going about pro-ana the right way this time around. In the past, I would rediscover this way of eating, then I would start eating 500 calories daily right away, then I couldn't go more than maybe two days without bingeing to the point that I felt like my stomach would burst open. This time, I started with 1200, dropped to 1000 this week and ate 900 calories today to balance out the 1100 from Wednesday. My weightloss is still extremely rapid and I've broken my binge free record as today makes the third consecutive day without bingeing. I know it isn't much, but I feel like I can finally get down to the weight that I've always wanted to be and feel comfortable in my own damn body for the first time since I was 7 years old. Fuck I'm so pumped.

 I've actually decided to take before pictures on Wednesday and take pictures weekly until I reach my goal weight. Anyways, I just thought I'd update to keep myself motivated. I'm 6 pounds down and 31 to go. I'll get there!

Meh.

So, yesterday (Wednesday) I ate 1100 calories. I also got my period. So that majorly sucks. Anyway, I ate 1000 today and hope to eat 900 tomorrow to balance yesterday's slight over eat. Anyways, looks like I won't be weighing myself much, obviously due to my period and bloating and what not.

 I just really want to be 149 lbs or less come Wednesday, so if I feel that I won't be able to reach that goal maybe due to my period or other stress, I'll fast on Tuesday to try and lose just a bit more.

Wish me luck.

The Scale Has Shifted

 Ok. Ok, what? I just weighed myself and I'm 151 lbs. I weighed 156-7 lbs two weeks ago which is my highest weight ever. Last week I weighed in at 153-154 lbs. Two or three pound loss in one week, and this is the day after a massive bread binge. Yes. Well. Alright. Well. Ahem, I don't even know how to deal with this news. I was expecting to have to fast my way down to 153 after that fuck up, that is part of the reason why yesterday's post (the very first post on this blog) was so frantic and upset and I was ready to go to extremes like just not eating anything at all for as long as possible. Well, turns out that what I'm doing with the gradual calorie decrease is working, so I will continue to set limits for each day and slowly lower until the limit is about 500 calories.
 This week's daily limit is 1000 calories and I am hoping to be about 149 pounds or less by next Wednesday (Wednesdays are my official weigh-ins, but I often weigh myself daily). It's been so long since I was in the 140s and I really feel like I can get there again if I continue on as I've been doing.
 Losertown (the website I use to estimate weightloss) tells me that I will be about 148.5 lbs next Wednesday on 1000 calories daily. I think I might even be able to go lower than that if this past week is anything to go by.
 Damn, I won't even lie, I can barely believe it. But, I know my scale is accurate, so I just gotta keep moving along. 5 pounds down, 32 to go until I reach my goal weight of 119 pounds. It's happening.

Decision

Hello. At the time of writing this, it is just before 11 o'clock pm on Tuesday May the sixth in the year 2014. I have made a decision. After viewing a post on a proana site that I frequent talking about a girl who lost 30 pounds in 21 days, I have decided that my approach to proana has been all wrong. All this time, I have been setting myself a calorie limit and, generally, I would eat as much as I could in that day without going over that limit. This way of thinking has led me to binge several times in the past having gone over that limit, be it 500 or 1500, and then going "well I've already gone over," then bingeing. I binged today planning to stay at or under 1000 calories, then when I had 1200, I said fuck it and binged on carbs. My stomach is quite round and I have pretty much undone all of my progress from about the last six days as my stomach had been gradually shrinking. 

Well I have decided to adopt a new mindset. Don't eat. Different from fasting. Fasting tends to have a predetermined point at which a person stops. This might be at a certain weight or when a certain number of days have passed. Also, it has something or things that you might be abstaining from. This would be everything but water in a water fast for example. With my new mindset, I am abstaining from calories. Nothing in, pounds off. What I have decided to do is take on a real proana mindset. Don't eat. There is no limit or calorie cap because the daily goal is always as little food as possible. Whenever there is a choice, the best decision is to not eat. Not, yes I can eat because I have x amount of calories left or I have only eaten x amount of calories today so I can have this. No. No because 0 is the daily goal, everyday, until I reach my goal weight of 115-119 pounds.  

I'm still counting calories, but more than zero is considered failure.

Right, so I can't be too unreasonable with this at first at least because I do play high intensity sport and need energy in order to perform, so the calories I will allow myself to have without guilt will come from healthy smoothies before and after practices and training. That's it. Only for the purpose of energy to perform.

Well, I start this new mindset lifestyle tomorrow. I'm not sure when I'll weigh as I did just binge so my weight must have skyrocketed even if it is just water weight.

Tomorrow's goal is nothing. Wish me luck.