I Look Gross

 My stomach is really bloated after drinking just a cup of chocolate milk and now I feel really bad about myself. I don't think I'll eat anymore today. I've had 900 today, so I'm good, but I'm not really sure if I'll be able to bring myself to eat tomorrow. I just feel really fat. And bloated. And I look a hundred pounds heavier than I actually weigh and I'll never look like Kate Moss or see hip bones or get the holy thigh gap because I'm just still so fat. Uugh maybe I'll lower my intake for the next two days? 1000 is too much and I just look so gross and can't deal with how much weight there still is to lose. Ew. 

 I know I said i wouldn't jump into it so fast, but I really can't stand even looking at myself right now.

Goal Weights

 So what I've created here is a list of all my goal weights and, in brackets, the reasons why each one is a goal weight. I like that they are, at most, 5 pounds apart because it will be small steps and rewards until I reach my goal rather than one long drawn out struggle of 37 pounds. The expectations are based on a two pound per week loss.

1: 149 (in the 140s) expected to reach on May 14

2: 144 (bmi in the 21s) expected May 31

3: 142 (weigh less than my friend that is my height) expected June 7

4: 139 (in the 130s) expected June 18

5: 137 (bmi in the 20s) expected June 25

6: 133 (lower than my lw) expected July 9

7: 131 (bmi in the 19s) expected July 16

8: 129 (in the 120s) expected July 23

9: 124 (bmi in the 18s) expected august 9

10: 119 (true gw!) expected august 27

Weighed Again

 It seems I can't keep away from the scale. I really want to keep my weigh-ins on just Wednesdays, but I can't go more than two days before the anxiety of not weighing myself sets in. Anyway, despite my period, I've lost another pound and am currently 150 lbs. Considering all the bloating and general gross weight-y feeling, I am doing quite well and am well on my way to my goal of 149 or less come Wednesday.
 I feel so happy to be going about pro-ana the right way this time around. In the past, I would rediscover this way of eating, then I would start eating 500 calories daily right away, then I couldn't go more than maybe two days without bingeing to the point that I felt like my stomach would burst open. This time, I started with 1200, dropped to 1000 this week and ate 900 calories today to balance out the 1100 from Wednesday. My weightloss is still extremely rapid and I've broken my binge free record as today makes the third consecutive day without bingeing. I know it isn't much, but I feel like I can finally get down to the weight that I've always wanted to be and feel comfortable in my own damn body for the first time since I was 7 years old. Fuck I'm so pumped.

 I've actually decided to take before pictures on Wednesday and take pictures weekly until I reach my goal weight. Anyways, I just thought I'd update to keep myself motivated. I'm 6 pounds down and 31 to go. I'll get there!

Meh.

So, yesterday (Wednesday) I ate 1100 calories. I also got my period. So that majorly sucks. Anyway, I ate 1000 today and hope to eat 900 tomorrow to balance yesterday's slight over eat. Anyways, looks like I won't be weighing myself much, obviously due to my period and bloating and what not.

 I just really want to be 149 lbs or less come Wednesday, so if I feel that I won't be able to reach that goal maybe due to my period or other stress, I'll fast on Tuesday to try and lose just a bit more.

Wish me luck.

The Scale Has Shifted

 Ok. Ok, what? I just weighed myself and I'm 151 lbs. I weighed 156-7 lbs two weeks ago which is my highest weight ever. Last week I weighed in at 153-154 lbs. Two or three pound loss in one week, and this is the day after a massive bread binge. Yes. Well. Alright. Well. Ahem, I don't even know how to deal with this news. I was expecting to have to fast my way down to 153 after that fuck up, that is part of the reason why yesterday's post (the very first post on this blog) was so frantic and upset and I was ready to go to extremes like just not eating anything at all for as long as possible. Well, turns out that what I'm doing with the gradual calorie decrease is working, so I will continue to set limits for each day and slowly lower until the limit is about 500 calories.
 This week's daily limit is 1000 calories and I am hoping to be about 149 pounds or less by next Wednesday (Wednesdays are my official weigh-ins, but I often weigh myself daily). It's been so long since I was in the 140s and I really feel like I can get there again if I continue on as I've been doing.
 Losertown (the website I use to estimate weightloss) tells me that I will be about 148.5 lbs next Wednesday on 1000 calories daily. I think I might even be able to go lower than that if this past week is anything to go by.
 Damn, I won't even lie, I can barely believe it. But, I know my scale is accurate, so I just gotta keep moving along. 5 pounds down, 32 to go until I reach my goal weight of 119 pounds. It's happening.